What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
