Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
