She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize