She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
