he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
