He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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