Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
