Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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