Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
