The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
