You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
