I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
