A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I faked an abortion last night.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
