Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
