glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
