I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
