he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
