to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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