hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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