I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
