anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
