I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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