This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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