yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
