I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
