My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
