if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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