Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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