the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
