I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
