and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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