I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
