he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
