I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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