im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
soo... how was my night?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
