I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
