The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
