after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
