I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
