So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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