you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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