I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There's even glitter on my cock...
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