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Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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