No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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