His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
