I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
