I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
