i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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