mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
