We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
