her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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