last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
