I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
