I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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