I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
