Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
