FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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