I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize