my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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