we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
