Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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