I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize